The Chocolate Chips of Doom
by JRavenTheFangirl
Summary: Artemis needs to learn some life skills, and who better to teach him that than Butler? Unfortunately, things don't go as planned when the chocolate chips come out... one-shot TECHNICALLY not ArtemisxButler slash (although I ship that) but I suppose it's cute... I suppose. Just humor, fluff, no OOC, technically, and just fun.


**A/N: hehe *grin* just humor… fluff. Me being weird… Messing with Artemis. I wrote this a long time ago as a script, but I wanted to turn it into a one-shot when I got an account here because its weirdness was too strange not to share. So… enjoy!**

It was just a normal day in the Fowl manor. Artemis was typing on the computer, as always. Holly was on a mission, Trouble was busy with commander-business, and Mulch was who knows where. Butler decided to make it interesting, though. He walked into his principal's office and looked at him.

Artemis didn't glance up from his computer. "What is it, Butler?"

"You've been typing on that computer all day long. I think it's time for you to take a break."

The boy sighed. "Now is not the time. I'm in the middle of a very important-"

"You're playing chess." Artemis didn't say anything. Butler sighed. "Come out of here, Artemis."

"But I'm about to win!"

"And it's going to be here when you get back," he insisted.

"From what?"

Butler smiled proudly. "I'm going to teach you an important life skill." He took Artemis's arm and pulled him out of the chair. Reluctantly, he followed, but Butler still had to drag him out of the room.

"And what will that be?" Artemis grumbled.

He grinned even more. "It'll be…"

"Cooking?!" Artemis exclaimed a minute later.

Artemis was standing next to Butler in the kitchen, and cooking supplies were on the counter in front of them. He wasn't sure what they were making (but that's not a surprise).

Butler looked down at him sternly. "Cooking is an art."

Artemis rolled his eyes. "You don't _eat _art."

"You do with this kind of art. You should appreciate it. You are _Art_emis."

Artemis sighed. "That pun was just bad…" he murmured. Then he raised his voice so Butler could hear. "Fine. We'll get this over with. What will we be making?"

The manservant was satisfied enough. At least he was going to cooperate. "To start off with something simple, we'll make cookies. Chocolate chip, to be specific."

"Well at least I can deal with cookies. I was afraid you'd say we were going to bake lollipops."

Butler put his face in his hand, pinched the bridge of his nose in agony and disbelief. "Artemis…" he whispered, "you don't… bake… lollipops…"

Artemis looked clueless, and a bit stupid. "Why not?"

"Because… because you just don't. Anyways, to begin baking chocolate chip cookies, it's a good idea to preheat the oven to 350 degrees."

"The what?" he questioned, cocking his head to the side. He looked like an idiot again.

Butler nodded slowly, beginning to mess with the buttons. "I think I should do that part."

As he was preparing it, Artemis looked at the ingredients. He ate a chocolate chip, and then another. Then Butler was done and he looked over at Artemis, who was shoving tons of chocolate chips into his mouth.

"These are amazing…" he awed.

"Don't eat the whole bag, Artemis."

"I will if I want to," he snapped.

"If you do you'll get a…" Artemis's eyes grew wide, and he looked buzzed. "Sugar rush…" he finished quietly.

Artemis turned around and grabbed Butler's dress coat where it made a V on his chest. He was grinning, which was unusual to see on his face, but this wasn't 100% Artemis. "OH MY GOD BUTLER I FEEL LIKE I CAN RUN AROUND THE UNIVERSE!" he shouted.

Butler tried to remain calm. "Artemis, settle do-"

"I'LL NEVER SETTLE DOWN AGAIN! WHERE IS THAT BLASTED OPAL?! I'M GOING TO KILL HER TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH!" Artemis looked around frantically.

"That doesn't even make sense! And Opal is in prison."

"THEN I'LL FREE HER, HUNT HER DOWN, AND KILL HER! THEN I'LL REVIVE HER, AND KILL HER AGAIN!"

Butler refrained from rolling his eyes. "You can't bring back the dead, Artemis."

"WHO DO YOU THINK I AM, DOMOVOI?!"

Butler sighed. "Note to self…" he mumbled, "don't give Artemis any sugar.

"WHO'S ARTEMIS?!" Artemis grinned.

"Oh… just this spoiled brat that I happen to know… anyway, you need to calm down."

"NEVER!" he cried, laughing like a maniac.

Butler sighed again. "I'm sorry to do this to you, Artemis, but it's necessary."

"WHO'S ARTE-"

Then Butler grabbed a frying pan and smacked him in the head, and he fell down to the floor. He caught him. Then he started to walk to his master's room.

Later in the day, which was a few hours, Artemis finally started to wake up. The sugar rush started to wear down while he was asleep, so he was himself again, calm and contained, when he arose. Butler was sitting on the edge of his bed, waiting to talk to him again. And, if at all possible, tease him about the enormous amount of energy he had had.

Butler chuckled. "How are you feeling, chocolate boy?"

Artemis paused, and rubbed the back of his head in slightly pain. "I feel like I just got smacked by a frying pan."

His accuracy was shocking.

The bodyguard swallowed nervously. "Oh yes… that… you… uh… fell and … landed on a frying pan… and passed out."

Artemis looked at him with an expression that said, 'is that seriously the best you can do?'. "_Really_?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes."

The boy decided to continue his game a little while more, just to mess with his friend. "And why was a frying pan lying on the floor, may I ask?"

"Because…"

"Oh, wait, I remember," he exclaimed sarcastically. "I got a sugar rush from eating chocolate chips and you whacked me in the head with a frying pan!" Butler looked down. "Oh yeah, _and_ you called me a spoiled brat!"

Butler's eyes widened. "I… um… you remember that?"

Artemis just glared to give him his answer. When there was a pause, he spoke again. "Yes! And by the way, if you're going to lie to me, think of a better excuse than having a frying pan lying on the floor!"

"Good point… with all your lies, I should've learned a thing or two." Artemis continued to glare, and Butler got up quickly. "Excuse me… I must…" he racked his brain to try and think of an excuse to leave, "go prepare diner."

"It's 3:00."

Butler was already walking out. "I know that."

He closed the door behind him, and Artemis fell back in bed. He sighed. "Note to self, rid the manor of all frying pans," he murmured. Then he grinned. "And order more chocolate chips."


End file.
